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The first time a client said, “I don’t know” in a coaching session, I froze. Beyond the natural pressure of early coaching sessions, I worried about making the client uncomfortable or pushing too hard. My own relationship with uncertainty made me hesitate. What I hadn’t yet learned was that it’s perfectly acceptable to say, “It’s okay if you don’t know now. Perhaps we can find out together.” This simple response would later transform my approach to coaching conversations.”
Navigating client uncertainties remains one of the most challenging aspects of coaching, especially for those new to the profession. To explore this crucial topic, Coacharya Training Director and Master Coach Cindy Muthukarapan, Smita Raghum, and Priya Ramanarayan, both Coacharya trainers and PCC coaches, recently shared their insights and strategies in an interactive webinar.
Behind the Words: What ‘I Don’t Know’ Really Means
Before addressing the “I don’t know” statement, Smita shared her experience, noting that it often conceals a deeper understanding. Clients may know more than they let on, needing time to process their thoughts and feelings. Priya highlighted that fear and uncertainty can also lead to this response.
Key Takeaways on the “I Don’t Know” Response:
- “I don’t know” often masks fear. Clients experiencing uncertainty can become fearful of the unknown and their perceived inability to find answers or a clear path forward. This fear can manifest as the “I don’t know” response.
- Uncertainty is a liminal space. Priya quoted anthropologist Victor Turner, describing uncertainty as “the time between the not yet and the yet to come.” This “in-between” period requires reflection and patience. Rushing the process can hinder the client’s ability to discover the answers within themselves.
- “I don’t know” is not a fixed identity. Clients may start to believe that their “I don’t know” defines them. However, coaches recognize that clients are whole, resourceful, and possess the answers within. The coach’s role is to facilitate the client’s connection to this inner knowing.
- Resistance stems from hesitation or defensiveness. Drawing on Maria Renold’s work, Priya explained that resistance often arises from two sources:
- Hesitation: This can be genuine uncertainty, a lack of knowledge, or a need for validation.
- Defensiveness: This might stem from a reluctance to take responsibility, often because the client is aware of impending change and fearful of its implications.
- Internal Conflicts: Clients often experience internal conflicts related to their beliefs, values, or mindset. A common example is wanting to make a change (e.g., leaving a corporate job to start a business) but feeling unsure due to perceived limitations (e.g., financial concerns). This internal struggle can lead to uncertainty and the “I don’t know” response.
- External Pressures and Expectations: External pressures, often from family or other significant people in their lives, can create additional uncertainty. Clients may have their own evolving expectations for themselves but feel conflicted about how to reconcile those with the expectations of others.
- Vulnerability: The “I don’t know” response can be a sign of vulnerability, often surfacing after significant reflection, and may point to a struggle with articulating a specific area of uncertainty, especially regarding final decisions, rather than a total absence of understanding or insight. It can represent the client’s difficulty in expressing their thoughts and feelings about a particular issue, even if they have explored it extensively.
Embracing the “I Don’t Know”: A Blank Canvas for Coaching
The “I don’t know” response, often perceived as a roadblock in coaching conversations, can actually be a powerful opportunity for both the client and the coach. As Priya noted, this space of uncertainty is a “blessing,” a blank canvas upon which new insights and possibilities can be drawn. When a client admits they don’t know, it signals a move away from a “know-it-all” stance, opening them up to new information and perspectives. It’s a chance to explore uncharted territory, as venturing down a familiar road can prevent mindfulness and the ability to co-create in the present moment. Instead of being thrown off by the “I don’t know,” coaches should embrace it as a sign of emerging potential.
Cindy emphasized the importance of pauses and silences. Allowing the client to delve deeper into their thoughts and feelings can be a powerful tool. It’s also crucial to help clients identify what is certain for them, even amidst the uncertainty. By focusing on their strengths, abilities, and past learnings, clients can find a foundation upon which to navigate the unknown.
Furthermore, coaches should reflect on the source of the “I don’t know.” Is it an internal obstacle (fear, procrastination, self-doubt), an external pressure (from family or societal expectations), or even a potential gap in the coach’s own skills? By honestly assessing the situation, coaches can better tailor their approach to meet the client’s specific needs and facilitate genuine progress. Asking questions like “What feels uncertain for you?” or “What is certain in you that helps you with uncertainties?” can guide the client toward greater self-awareness and empower them to find their own solutions.
Holding Space in the Unknown: Confidence and Silence
A crucial coaching competency, as Smita pointed out, is maintaining presence and demonstrating confidence, especially when clients grapple with uncertainty.
Uncertainty can trigger a threat response in the brain, hindering clear communication. Therefore, the coach’s confidence—the assurance that there is a way forward—is vital for holding space during these moments of “I don’t know.” This confidence allows the client to feel safe exploring the unknown.
Equally important is the strategic use of silence. Immediately responding to an “I don’t know” can cut off the client’s internal processing. A pause allows them to verbalize what they’re still considering. Often, clients are still actively thinking even when they say “I don’t know,” and a moment of silence, as Smita emphasized, can give them the space to formulate and express their thoughts. This can lead to surprising breakthroughs and demonstrate the power of simply allowing space for reflection.
Uncertainty is an inherent part of the human experience, and it’s bound to surface in coaching conversations. The “I don’t know” response, rather than being a source of frustration, can be an opportunity for growth and deeper self-discovery. By understanding the various origins of this response, embracing it as a space of possibility, and skillfully utilizing tools like silence and confident presence, coaches can empower their clients to navigate uncertainty and unlock their own inner wisdom.
This webinar offered valuable insights into working with client uncertainties, providing practical strategies for coaches at all levels. Interested in learning more about effective coaching techniques? Explore our upcoming coach training programs and discover how you can further develop your skills to support clients on their journeys of transformation. Transform how teams navigate uncertainty. Our Mega Systemic Team Coaching program brings together 6 expert trainers to help you develop advanced team coaching skills. Register now to secure your spot.
This blog post is based on the latest Coacharya webinar, ‘Working with Client Uncertainties and “I don’t know”’ and aims to provide a general overview of the key takeaways. For more in-depth information, please refer to the original webinar recording.
