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We recently hosted a webinar at Coacharya exploring the often-discussed, yet frequently misunderstood, concept of emotional intelligence (EI). Our panelists and seasoned Master Coaches, Cindy Muthukarapan and Priya Ramesh, brought their expertise to the table, and one particular point from Priya resonated deeply: the idea of moving beyond our emotional “default mode.”
Emotional intelligence, at its core, is about recognizing and understanding emotions – both our own and those of others. It’s not about suppressing feelings but rather about developing the capacity to navigate them thoughtfully. In a world that often demands quick reactions, EI offers a pathway to more considered and effective responses.
Think of it this way: emotions are constantly providing information. They’re signals, indicating something important is happening internally or externally. However, we often operate on autopilot, reacting instinctively without fully processing these signals. Priya described this as a “default mode,” where our responses are driven by ingrained habits rather than conscious awareness.
This default mode can be particularly problematic in high-pressure situations, such as those common in today’s workplaces. When faced with uncertainty or complexity, our emotional reactions can become amplified, leading to impulsive decisions or strained relationships. This is when our emotional intelligence is truly tested, and often, when we realize how little we’ve been paying attention.
Priya emphasized that developing EI requires a shift from this reactive state to a more reflective one. It’s about creating space to understand what our emotions are telling us, rather than simply reacting to them. This involves cultivating a practice of awareness – taking quiet moments for reflection, pausing before responding, and consciously processing our feelings.
Consider this: an emotion arises. Perhaps it’s frustration during a difficult conversation, or anxiety before a presentation. Instead of immediately reacting, take a moment to acknowledge the feeling. What is it telling you? What thoughts are associated with it? This pause allows you to move from a purely emotional response to a more considered, cognitive one.
As Priya pointed out, this isn’t about ignoring emotions. It’s about recognizing that every emotion is connected to an underlying thought, and every thought, in turn, is fueled by an emotion. Understanding this connection is crucial for making informed decisions. It’s about integrating your “head and heart,” as she put it, rather than treating them as separate entities.
Building this awareness isn’t something that happens overnight. It requires consistent practice, especially during calmer moments. By developing our ability to recognize and process emotions when we’re not under pressure, we become better equipped to navigate challenging situations with greater clarity and composure.
Ultimately, emotional intelligence isn’t about achieving some idealized state of emotional control. It’s about cultivating a deeper understanding of ourselves and others, allowing us to respond to the complexities of life with greater wisdom and empathy.
The Power of Choice: Understanding and Responding to Anger
Priya offered a compelling example of how paying attention to our emotions can empower us, using anger as a case study. She highlighted that emotions, even those considered negative, like anger, carry valuable information. Take the scenario of an employee repeatedly arriving late to work. Initially, you might experience mild frustration or disappointment. However, if the issue persists, these feelings can escalate into anger.
“The anger is telling you something,” Priya explained. “It’s telling you about your values, it’s telling you about what’s important.” Instead of dismissing or suppressing the anger, she suggests paying close attention to it. Ask yourself, “What about this situation is making me angry?” In the example, it might be the perceived disregard for established rules or a lack of respect for time.
Once you understand the root cause of your anger, you gain the ability to choose your response. As Priya pointed out, there’s a spectrum of possible actions: shouting at the employee, imposing penalties, remaining silent, or involving their manager. The key is to make a conscious choice, rather than reacting impulsively.
“When I’m choosing to say, ‘This is not right, this is not acceptable,’ anger is serving a good purpose,” she emphasized. “Because you’re actually standing up for what’s important for you, what’s important for the organization.” This perspective reframes anger from a purely negative emotion to a potential catalyst for positive action.
The crucial element, however, is how we express that anger. We can choose destructive behaviors, such as slamming doors or sulking, which often lead to guilt and regret. Or, we can choose constructive expressions that align with our values and contribute to a positive outcome.
Priya’s point is that anger, when understood and processed thoughtfully, can be a source of power. It allows us to advocate for what we believe in and uphold standards. The difference lies in whether our response stems from a place of conscious choice or from an unexamined emotional reaction.
The Importance of Attentive Practice
The common thread throughout the webinar was the importance of attention. Emotional intelligence isn’t a passive trait; it requires active engagement. It demands that we cultivate a habit of noticing our emotions, understanding their origins, and consciously choosing our responses.
This practice isn’t always easy, especially in the midst of challenging situations. However, by consistently paying attention to our emotional landscape, we develop a greater capacity for self-awareness and thoughtful action. This, in turn, allows us to navigate the complexities of our professional and personal lives with greater clarity and purpose.
Expanding Your Emotional Repertoire: The Autonomy of Choice
Cindy further emphasized the importance of choice when dealing with strong emotions. She pointed out a common misconception: that we have only one way to express intense feelings like anger. Often, individuals default to familiar reactions, such as abruptly leaving a meeting, slamming doors, or resorting to shouting. These behaviors become ingrained, the “go-to place” when emotions run high.
However, Cindy challenged this limited perspective. Drawing from core competency principles, she highlighted the “autonomy of choice.” This concept suggests that we possess a wider range of possible responses than we typically realize. But accessing this range requires exploration.
“You can only go into choice when you begin to explore,” she explained. This exploration involves consciously examining our emotional reactions and considering alternative ways of responding. It means stepping outside our comfort zones and challenging the assumption that our habitual reactions are the only options available.
Think of it as expanding your emotional repertoire. Just as a musician learns to play different notes and chords, we can learn to express our emotions in diverse and nuanced ways. This requires a willingness to experiment and a commitment to self-discovery.
For example, instead of immediately storming out of a meeting when frustrated, we might choose to express our concerns calmly and assertively. Instead of shouting, we might practice active listening and seek to understand the other person’s perspective. By actively exploring other options, we can prevent ourselves from being trapped in a cycle of limited or negative emotional reactions.
Cindy’s insight reinforces the idea that emotional intelligence is not about suppressing emotions, but about gaining greater control over how we express them. By recognizing the autonomy of choice, we can move beyond reactive patterns and cultivate more constructive and effective responses. This freedom of choice is crucial for building healthier relationships and navigating complex situations with greater ease.
Elevate Your Coaching with Emotional Intelligence: Explore Coacharya’s Programs
Developing strong emotional intelligence is not just a personal benefit; it’s a cornerstone of effective coaching. If you’re looking to deepen your understanding of EI and apply it within a professional coaching context, Coacharya’s upcoming ICF Level 1/ACC program led by Priya Ramesh can be your springboard. Coacharya’s curriculum is designed to equip you with the skills and insights necessary to navigate complex emotional landscapes, build powerful client relationships, and facilitate transformative growth. Learn how to integrate emotional intelligence into your coaching practice and empower yourself and your clients. Explore our offerings today and take your coaching to the next level.
(This blog post is based on the latest Coacharya webinar, Emotional Intelligence in Coaching, and aims to provide a general overview of the key takeaways. For more in-depth information, please refer to the original webinar recording.)
