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Ever feel like we’re all searching for better ways to truly connect? Especially in coaching, where meaningful relationships are everything. That’s why Coacharya’s recent ICW webinar took a deep dive into a powerful concept: Relational Intelligence.
If you’re thinking that this is just about being good with people, think again! Relational Intelligence is about understanding the deeper currents that flow between us.
As PCC Coaches Dr. Komal Smriti and Dr. Madhulika Tyagi explored in the session, Relational Intelligence brings together emotional awareness, refined people skills, and a deeper understanding of the systems we live and work within. It’s about seeing how these parts come together to shape every relationship—whether personal or professional.
Why does this matter, especially for coaches? Because at its core, relational intelligence helps us understand and navigate the most important relationship we have: the one with ourselves. It reminds us that how we see ourselves isn’t formed in isolation—it’s shaped in connection, through the people and structures around us.
Relational Intelligence in Coaching: A Deeper Dive
So, how does this idea of relational intelligence actually play out in a coaching session? It shifts the focus in a pretty significant way:
- Beyond the “What” to the “Why”: Instead of just asking “What is your goal?”, a coach operating with relational intelligence prioritizes understanding “Why is this goal important now?” and “What value will achieving this goal bring to the client?” This deeper inquiry into the underlying motivations is crucial.
- Focus on Emerging Dynamics: The coach’s attention moves to the subtle relationship dynamics unfolding in the moment between the coach and the client. It’s not just about the client’s stated objective, but about the unspoken interactions and patterns present in the coaching space itself.
- Understanding “What is Playing Out Now?”: The core question becomes: “What dynamic is playing out right now, and how is this serving (or not serving) the person?” This allows for real-time observation and intervention within the relational space.
- The Power of “The Space In Between”: The emphasis shifts to the interaction, the connection, and the dynamic that exists between the coach and the client. Everything else, Komal noted, naturally follows from this acute awareness of the “space in between.”
- Coaching as a Systemic Model: Ultimately, in the coaching space, the coach is modeling a specific way of being in relationship. This experience provides the client with a direct, lived example that helps them find their own answers and gain greater clarity.
Reframing Trauma: An Adlerian Lens
In reflecting on what it truly means to grow and transform, we often come face-to-face with a difficult but necessary truth: change begins with us. This inner shift in perspective brought us to the work of Alfred Adler, a pioneering thinker in psychology. Adler offered a view on trauma that can feel both radical and liberating. He didn’t deny that painful events occur—rather, he challenged the belief that they must continue to shape our identity.
His message was clear: we may not choose what happens to us, but we can choose how it defines us. To “deny the control of trauma” isn’t to forget or dismiss the past—it’s an act of reclaiming agency. It’s a reminder that within us lies the capacity not just to endure, but to transform.
Adler believed that our current state, including how we respond to past events, always serves an underlying purpose. This aligns with Carl Rogers’ concept of “congruence,” which speaks to inner harmony. While we often think of our goals (“what I want it to be”) as conscious choices, Adler proposed that we are already committed to a purpose, often at a subconscious level. This subconscious purpose drives our thoughts, feelings, and actions, leading to a state of inner congruence.
Take, for example, someone who says they want to lose weight. They understand what needs to change—more movement, better nutrition, fewer sweets. And yet, they say, “I just can’t leave sugar.” From Adler’s lens, this isn’t a question of discipline. It’s an invitation to look deeper: what role is sugar playing in their life right now?
A coach might gently guide the client to explore what emotional need that sugar meets. Is it a source of comfort? A way to manage stress? A habit tied to moments of loneliness or celebration? Before change can happen, there needs to be awareness. We can’t meaningfully shift a pattern without first understanding what it’s been doing for us.
Coaching, in this way, becomes less about fixing and more about uncovering—with curiosity, not judgment.
Seeing Ourselves as Whole: The Coach’s Role
As we deepen our understanding of relational intelligence, another essential layer begins to emerge—one that invites us to shift how we see ourselves. It’s not just about improving how we relate to others, but also about embracing ourselves as whole: not fragmented by flaws, roles, or expectations, but complete in our complexity.
This perspective came alive through a story shared during the webinar—one that reminded us how personal experiences are never isolated, but always connected to the wider systems we belong to. It’s easy, especially in fast-paced and high-achieving environments, to fixate on personal goals or perceived shortcomings. But true growth often begins when we pause to acknowledge the bigger picture: the “whole” we come from, contribute to, and carry within.
Why is this sense of wholeness so elusive? Partly because we live in a world that constantly spotlights what we’re missing. We compare our journey to others’, often measuring our beginnings against their polished outcomes. Over time, this leads not to motivation but to quiet self-doubt.
That’s why coaching spaces matter so deeply. Many of us haven’t had models of this kind of acceptance growing up. Coaching, at its best, becomes a place where wholeness is not only welcomed—but modeled. It’s where clients begin to see themselves not just as a list of problems to solve, but as people already complete, already worthy, and always evolving.
Living and Embodying Relational Intelligence
More than a set of ideas, Relational Intelligence is a lens through which we view ourselves and others. It asks us to look inward with honesty, outward with empathy, and around us with awareness of the systems we’re part of. It’s in this intersection—of self, other, and context—that real change begins.
At Coacharya, this perspective is at the heart of how we approach coach training and development. Rather than just teaching techniques, our programs invite people to cultivate presence, curiosity, and connection—to hold space in a way that honors both individuality and wholeness. Explore our upcoming ICF Level 1 (ACC) program led by Dr. Komal Smriti, with a focus on Relational Intelligence.
For those who wish to explore Relational Intelligence further, panellist Dr. Komal Smriti recommended two powerful reads: What Life Should Mean to You by Alfred Adler and The Courage to Be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi.
Relational intelligence can’t be rushed or reduced to a skill. It must be lived, practiced, and embodied. And in every coaching conversation, there’s an opportunity to do just that.
(This blog post is based on Coacharya’s latest ICW webinar, Relational Intelligence, and aims to provide a general overview of the key takeaways. For more in-depth information, please refer to the original webinar recording.)
Webinar Video
