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The Tyranny of Resolutions
It’s that time of year again: New Year. And it’s time for New Year’s resolutions too. There could be terabytes of content in the internet world on keeping New Year’s resolutions and goals and achieving them. Countless memes also circulate.
As someone who lives across many calendars (in addition to the world’s standard Gregorian calendar, the Shaka Indian official calendar, the Kolla Varsham Malayalam calendar, and the Tamil calendar), I often wonder what all the fuss is about with only the Gregorian one! Its significance, particularly in the context of personal resolutions, seems disproportionate. The frenzy typically commences in mid-December, as individuals embark on a period of introspection, reflecting upon the year past. While some derive satisfaction from their accomplishments, many, even those who have made substantial progress, find themselves dissatisfied. Their self-assessment, perpetually teetering between “on plan” and “below plan,” reflects an unrelenting pursuit of perfection. These individuals adhere to the maxim: “Unless you aim for the stars, you won’t even reach the sky.
Then there are those who succumb to feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Comparing themselves to peers and neighbours, they may experience a sense of despondency regarding their own progress. This often leads to the purchase of self-help literature and the formulation of yet another set of ambitious resolutions, perpetuating the cycle.”
Finding Freedom from the Resolution Trap
I speak from personal experience, having traversed these phases myself during different periods of my life. Fortunately, I have transcended them and embraced a more present-oriented existence. One of the most profound lessons I learned from Fr. AMA was the importance of responding to life’s unfolding, rather than merely reacting to it. This emphasizes the value of living in the present moment, even if not with the unwavering focus of a true sage.
However, since the previous year, I have found myself living life with a degree of irresolution.
The Zen of Daily Practice
Prior to the commencement of the previous year, as I began attending the Zendo regularly, I resolved to establish a daily meditation practice. I committed to waking up early, ideally before 4:00 AM, to engage in mindful reflection. This commitment remained unwavering, even after late nights spent engrossed in football matches like El Clásico or the Champions Trophy. Regardless of my sleep schedule, I consistently arose at 4:00 AM to meditate. This dedication extended to my travels, including a journey to Kodaikanal and back to Bangalore, where I even incorporated meditation during bus rides. This consistent practice was meticulously documented within the Insight Timer app.
The Master’s Insight
Last December, during the festive season, upon reaching the summit of Perumalmalai after 360 consecutive days of meditation, I excitedly shared my accomplishment with Fr. AMA at the dinner table. He chuckled warmly and remarked, “Vishy, what you are doing is not Zen. Do you count your breaths too and keep a tracker for it? You got to learn to be aware of your needs, wants, desires, ambitions and greed. Our needs need no tracker. So too is Zen. You don’t practice it, you live Zen.” In that instant, my inflated ego, soaring towards the moon, abruptly deflated, returning me to the present moment at the dinner table. I simply relinquished my attachment to this external validation.
Consequently, I ceased tracking my meditation sessions and abandoned the practice of setting rigid resolutions. I no longer strive for fixed goals. However, I maintain a checklist for essential tasks, such as filing income tax returns and renewing family health insurance. Instead of setting arbitrary milestones, I prefer to navigate life’s journey with a more fluid approach, akin to the ever-evolving AAA road map.
Embracing the Journey
I now understand that my life’s journey is not akin to a mountaineering expedition. Each day presents unique challenges, requiring me to navigate diverse terrains. I may be called upon to traverse a desert, swim across a vast ocean, or simply navigate the bustling streets of Bangalore or the tranquil streams of Kodaikanal.
For me, the state of Being takes precedence over the pursuit of Becoming.
Finding Meaning in the Present Moment
I knew that for quite some time.
For 15 years, a quote by Viktor Frankl graced my desk: “For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a cause greater than oneself.”
I also vividly recall the concluding paragraph of Eugen Herrigel’s “Zen and the Art of Archery,” almost verbatim. “The Master turned on me a glance which made me fear that I had insulted him, and then said: “Come and see me this evening.”
I seated myself opposite him on a cushion. He handed me tea but did not speak a word. So, we sat for a long while. There was no sound but the singing of the kettle on the hot coals. At last, the Master rose and made me a sign to follow him. The practice hall was brightly lit. The master told me to put a taper, long and thin as a knitting needle in the sand in front of the target, but not to switch on the light in the target stand. It was so dark that I could not even see its outlines, and if the tiny flame of taper had not been there, I might perhaps have guessed the position of the target, though I could not have made it out with any precision. The Master “danced” the ceremony. His first arrow shot out of dazzling brightness into deep night. I knew from the sound it had hit the target. The second arrow was a hit, too. When I switched on the light in the target stand, I discovered to my amazement that the first arrow was lodged full in the middle of the black, while the second arrow had splintered the butt of the first and ploughed through the shaft before embedding itself beside it. I did not dare to pull the arrows out separately but carried them back together with the target. The Master surveyed them crucially. “The First shot”, he then said, “was no great feat, you will think, because all these years I am so familiar with my target stand that I must know even in pitch darkness where the target is. That may be, and I won’t try to pretend otherwise. But what do you think of the second arrow that hit the first? I at any rate know that it is not “I” who must be given credit for this shot. “IT” shot and “IT “made the hit. Let us bow to the goal as before the Buddha!”
The Master’s arrows had clearly struck home. I no longer succumbed to the temptation of obsessing over my own progress and the outcomes of my actions.
Similarly, Fr. AMA’s dismissive remark, “Do you count your breath and keep track of that too?”, resonated deeply within me.
I ceased this practice entirely, not just with regard to breath, but also with respect to setting goals and establishing milestones on my life’s journey.
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